The Real Cost of Exposing Myself: Taking Risks in Writing About Intimacy

What was I thinking when I honestly and openly revealed intimate details of my life, even under a pseudonym?

photo credit: Andrew Crowley

A friend of mine, a fellow writer, whom I respect, wrote to me recently and said, “I think you need to work out a persona that is Suzanne but not Suzanne who is too open about her own life.”

She made this comment in response to a discussion we had about some of my followers who message me with varying degrees of audacity.

These messages range from amusing to inappropriate, such as:

“I need a Sugar mummy.”

“Am from ltaly, am single 49.”

I suspect she may have a point in that, in writing openly about my sex and personal life, there is the risk that readers, mainly those with a penis, will believe I’m more sexually available to them than I actually am. Some might even say that my memoir, tell-all style of writing is designed for this purpose and that, in exposing my innermost thoughts, I’m merely catering to the wank fantasies of a certain type of man who is aroused hearing about the sexual experiences of a woman that don’t involve his participation.

What Was I Thinking, Airing Such Intimate Details Of My Life?

The truth is, as the cliché goes, that horse bolted nearly 20 years ago, in 2006, when I published a very truthful and salacious erotic memoir that became a bestseller, published in multiple languages, called ‘The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker.’

photo credit: book cover ‘The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker’

At the time, I was a relatively recently divorced forty-something woman with an insatiable sexual appetite following a very vanilla, and partly celibate marriage. My sexual journey following the death of a boyfriend led me to try out most sexual scenarios, from swinging, to threesomes, BDSM, and more. Writing it all down felt like the only way to process the sheer breadth of it—I wouldn’t have believed it myself otherwise.

I remember the lead-up to publication vividly. Panic set in as the launch date approached. What was I thinking, airing such intimate details of my life, even under a pseudonym? Many sleepless nights ensued as the book’s launch date became closer and closer. At the time, I had a good job, running a PR agency, with big-name entertainment clients, and there were many moments where I wondered whether I’d be discovered, my contracts cancelled, or that there would be repercussions for my family. It was all terrifying, and although it wasn’t completely smooth sailing when the book was finally released, the response was mainly positive.

What I Feared Most Never Materialised

I realised, from the many emails I received at the time, that what I’d written had gone beyond being wank fodder for men (although there was clearly plenty of that). Couples told me my experiences had inspired them, aroused them, even saved their relationships. What I’d feared most - exposure, judgment, collapse, never materialised. Sure, I might have been the subject of a few dinner party conversations, but life moved on, as it always does.

I took up writing about sex again nearly three years ago, after a long absence in which I pursued other interests. I needed to get past the early menopausal years, when my libido took a nosedive, and to figure out where sex fitted into my life as my enthusiasm for singing took off alongside various business interests. Did I even want to be sexual in the same way I had been? Where did monogamy or not feature in my life?

The Response I Received From Readers Spurred Me On To Be More Confessional Once Again

photo credit: Andrew Crowley

Following the death of another partner in 2022, I did some soul-searching and came back to what had always worked for me: no-strings-attached relationships with people I genuinely liked, found attractive, and who shared my outlook. After a few false starts, where one or the other wanted more, I found someone who fit the bill, along with a couple of others for occasional encounters. It’s entirely drama-free and suits me.

The writing about my situationship, my experience online dating, of re-engaging with the swinging scene, came naturally and as the words spilled out, the response I received from readers spurred me on to be more confessional once again. I won’t pretend I don’t hesitate before hitting “post” sometimes. The same anxieties I felt two decades ago still creep in, and using my real name occasionally attracts unwanted attention. But as before, far more people appreciate hearing a woman speak frankly about sex than those who don’t.

So, while my friend’s advice has merit, I know this is the way I write best—honest, open, and entirely my own.

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🙏🏻🙏🏻Many thanks to Online Writing Club tribe member

Suzanne Noble

from

Sex Advice for Seniors

(2,000+ subs)

for this open, honest, and unique piece of wisdom an inspiration. You can also find Suzanne with 160,000 followers (!) on TikTok and get her book ‘The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker’ on Amazon.

I met Suzanne a few weeks ago through Substack Notes. She had just been featured in a magazine—and let’s just say, the feedback wasn’t exactly kind.

But I saw something different. I told her she’s a brave woman. The kind who could start a movement.

So I knew I had to introduce her to you.

Inside the Online Writing Club, there are so many incredible writers over 50—and I have a feeling a lot of you will find Suzanne’s bold approach not only refreshing, but deeply inspiring.

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